I have some contributions to give. Just keep in mind I'm not a photographer. I just took some of the better shots I've done and put them only. There will be more, as I love taking pics of my grandson. Specially doing weird or unusual things!



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Notta





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MERRY CHRISTMAS

and a

HAPPY 2008









<REMEMBER -- Keep the holidays safe -- DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE>



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Hmmmmm.. Hadda bad day when I wrote that last Journal Entry, then I was down with my health for 2 weeks.

Back in business, Back on the AD's, so bear with me, I'll be back in full motion in a couple days.

<sigh> still amonst the living <sigh>

no sense no sense at all

i just stared at a pic on DA for over an hour. bad idea. seeking happiness only brought emptiness and solitude, knowing i can't have, yet wanting. yearning.

my eyes a blurring. the black cloud drops like a brick i walk from the computer to the couch, then to the recliner.

i must have been off the AD's too long, though the dr just put me on yet another. i hate shovin pills down my neck.

the 12 gauge is under the couch. no one here to stop me this time. i look up at the wall by the desk and see Jason, tears roll and don't stop.

i can't. not this way. the shell is in the chamber safety off i look again. Jason. more tears, a thud. the 12 is on the floor instead of me

is this my fate? unfathomable pain. no one listens. no one cares. i don't care. the 12 goes back to it's home

i sit as my head gets cloudier and cloudier. i turn to the computer to release. here i sit. wanting nothing but death but cannot - Jason. he just turned 2 last month. i hate his mother. i hate his grandmother. not my daughter, hers from a previous. still, i'm his "Poppa". since he is the child of a single mother, i guess i have to replace what is missing. i grew up from age 9 with no male figures, cancer took them all from me. i'll be goddamned if i let that happen to him, only in another fashion, so my suffering I will keep deep within.

i won't let either bitch tell him i couldn't handle it anymore.

the blade. god i need to bleed. fucked there too. last time i was 2 centimeters from a forced admit.

what will stop the pain. i listen to my music. my get away. my solstice. fate has me, for what do my ears hear? back to back - Evanescence - My Torniquet and Metallica - Fade to Black.

'there;s nothing more for me, need the eend to set me free' rings in my head like an unadultered meaning of nothingness.

one day i will lose hope and touch with reality

the loss of a two year old holding me together will unvail. it is then i shall be the thud. blaming others for my own doing, fate?

i stare at my own words on the screen ready to erase all. something somewhere within the cloudy darkness that now prevails within my own head tells me to leave it, and click the post button,

<click>

<sigh> still amonst the living <sigh>